Summer brings a number of concerns: How to handle oppressive summer heat? What to do with the kids congregating on my lawn? As an educator hired directly out of college, I’ve never known life without “summer vacation” and am an expert on how to cope with its problems.
The first survival message is how to deal with a problem that plagues our roadways and is seldom handled properly: WASP IN THE CAR! (Which is different from but just as uncomfortable as another summer topic: WASP IN THE SHIRT!)
These words, spoken in the car by a passenger, send fear surging through your body: “Hey… there’s a WASP IN THE CAR!” (“Hey” might be “Dude” or a string of expletives, but the idea is the same.)
If someone announced this, It means you’re not alone in the car. This is good. This automatically places your co-pilot on wasp detail and driver-protection duty. Your passenger should de-belt and arm himself. That F term paper you shoved under the seat will do in a pinch.
Your passenger should REMAIN in the front. This is key. Should your defender move to the back, there is a very good chance the insect will overwhelm him and end up in the front with you.
Not good times.
Your defender should take an appropriate battle stance between the front and back, the sole purpose being to keeping the stinger in the back and away from your flesh until you find a proper place to pull over, at which time you both may flee, screaming and waving your arms. Make sure you leave the doors open so the wasp can fly away.
Should your protector be stung defending you, it’s obligatory to take him for ice cream or a cold beverage afterwards. If your protector is stung and is allergic — and he lives — you owe him your firstborn or a bag of Reese’s cups, protector’s choice.
Having a passenger is ideal for WASP IN THE CAR! but unfortunately rare. Most of these situations occur while the driver is alone on the open road.
Encounters usually begin 15 minutes into the drive. You finally check your rear-view mirror and notice a speck moving erratically in the rear window. Your brain registers this as odd (unless you have an eye condition, in which case, see your optometrist). There is something flying in your car. Time to act. I have a simple acronym to help. I call it P.A.N.I.C.
P-
Panic! Oops, sorry, don’t. Your first instinct is to immediately abandon the vehicle, but that would be unwise. Road raspberries hurt worse than wasp stingers. Take a deep breath and move to A.
A-
Analyze. Is it really a wasp? It could be a fly or a bee. A bee is scary, but worst-case scenario is you get stung once. It hurts but you’ll live. (If you’re allergic to bees, maybe road rash IS better?) If it IS a wasp, move to N.
N-
Neck. As in, protect it. Is the insect anywhere near your head? Scrunch up your shoulders and pull up your collar. Your neck is your most vulnerable spot. Should a wasp land on it, you’re only inches from WASP IN THE SHIRT!, which is far worse. Trust me.
I-
Isolate. Yourself and the insect. First, can you get off the road in a safe and timely fashion? I fully understand a WASP IN THE CAR! defense, but a judge will not. Killing a Boy Scout troop en route to safety isn’t advised. Be cautious. Once you’ve successfully pulled over, check the insect’s location. Wasps are sneaky, small of brain, and might decide to come for you. Is it within striking range? If so (and that’s a big IF), you have my blessing to destroy it with your flip-flop. If you miss or in any other way manage to anger the insect, proceed to C — and how.
C-
Clear out! This means run. Get AWAY from the vehicle. Leave your door open and move to safety (preferably not near other wasps). This is appropriate time for shrieking, arm flailing and weeping (it’s hot out; say it’s sweat).
Now you’re safe. Time to answer the next question: Why are those kids on the lawn laughing at you?
Brian Rueb is a north state writer, photographer and educator. For more photography please visit www.flickr.com/photos/rueb
