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Mistress of the Mix: Here I Sit

I don’t know why people make such a big deal out of this. Honestly, so far, preparing for my colonoscopy has been a breeze.

I’ll admit that I’ve been feeling sort of, well, guilty for the past couple of days because it’s like I’ve had a free pass to eat all the food I usually try to stay away from, and I’m not allowed to touch the stuff I’m always forcing myself to eat copious amounts of. Like lettuce.

For the past couple of days I have been eating nothing but peanut butter and mayo sandwiches on enriched white bread, chicken quesadillas with lots of cheese and avocado, and pasta (with more cheese of course). I started on mashed potatoes with chicken gravy at first. And I’ve been very good. No salad. No vegetables. No fruit. No whole grains or brown rice, no nuts or seeds, and although it pained me greatly, I have abstained from my favorite snack food, popcorn. Instead, I just had a couple of saltines with cheese. This colonoscopy diet is so          uhhhh hang on a moment.

Sorry about that. False alarm.

Back to what I was saying. Oh yeah. This colonoscopy diet is so decadent. Well, was decadent, because as of 10am this morning (right after a sourdough, turkey, avocado & cheese sandwich) I have officially moved on. On to the next phase of colonoscopy prep, which is a handful of laxative pills, followed by my first 8 ounce slug of Miralax and Gatorade an hour later.

Then I began to wait. Tick tock.

Nothing.

Well, not exactly nothing. After about an hour and a half my stomach growled a little. I wasn’t even sure it was my own body. But because I was waiting for the poopocalypse, my first thought was OK, this is it! I’d better take my place at the throne to reign supreme for the rest of the afternoon, but nope. It was just my stomach, wondering what I’d done with all the food I usually  – brb –

Sorry, I just thought I felt something moving down there. That was no stomach growling. That was more like a rumbling from deep in my intestines. Like a lion’s roar. But still, nothing to show for it. So I’m back in my favorite easy chair, got my Netflix going, found a thriller that will hopefully scare the crap right out of me, I’ve got my laptop, and… you know what? Don’t go anywhere, setting the laptop down, I’ll be back in a sec.

Ok, this is kind of like a bad joke. Actually, it’s more like that old saying that somebody always invariably scratches onto the bathroom stall, “Here I sit all brokenhearted….” and you know the rest. That’s basically what I’ve got going on. I guess I expected more to show from all the glasses of Miralax I’ve been tossing back every hour.

You know, like I said originally, I don’t know why everybody kept warning me that it was more important to take the day off work the day BEFORE the colonoscopy. I’ve already put away some lime jello, a cup of chicken broth and an entire liter of Miralax. I’ve been sitting (no, I didn’t leave out the ‘h’) around my house all damned day, waiting for something explosive to happen, and so far, my colon has been all talk and no action! It’s been over four hours since I started pounding laxatives and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. Whatever. I don’t know why I took the day off of work, this whole thing has been blown waaaay out of propor

oh. That was quite the rumble. Got my attention. And the dog’s.

What was I saying again? Oh yeah. This whole thing has been blown waaaay out of

Know what? we’ll talk later. I gotta…go. In the meantime, I’m just gonna leave this streaming playlist for ya right here. It’s called Here I Sit.