On the Stump, Trump Puts the Hump in Chump

This is President Donald J. Trump’s “O face.” YouTube screen grab.

President Donald J. Trump has said he could shoot a person on 5th Avenue and his supporters would still stick by him. It appears to be one of the few things he’s right about.

Trump has called Mexicans rapists and locked brown immigrant children in cages. He openly mocked a disabled man. He grabbed countless “pussies” without their consent and not only got away with it, he bragged about it like an adolescent schoolboy. The infamous serial philanderer allegedly screwed two adult film stars back when Melania was carrying/raising their child, then paid them hush money before the 2016 election.

All this and much, much more, and his supporters haven’t batted an eye.

So when Trump dry-humped the podium at a campaign rally in Minnesota back in October, simulating sex between two former FBI employees, it should come as no surprise that the gathered MAGA faithful gleefully prodded our pelvis-thrusting president to an on-stage orgasm.

Whether the orgasm was authentic or fake remains in question.

The FBI employees in question are attorney Lisa Page and special agent Peter Strzok, who happened to be having an affair while investigating the Trump campaign’s alleged ties to Russia during the 2016 campaign. To residents of Hannityville, including the president, the couple are known as “The Lovers,” thanks to text messages between the pair indicating anti-Trump bias that were leaked to the media by Trump’s DOJ in 2017.

Although the FBI cleared their investigative work of political bias, Strzok was fired and Page left the bureau. They remain targets of Trump and his right-wing media allies, who view them as elements of a Deep State conspiracy orchestrated by President Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton’s operatives. These members of the intelligence and law enforcement communities allegedly conspired to sabotage Trump’s campaign, and failing to do so, subsequently hamstrung his presidency with the Mueller investigation.

This is the fever dream shared by the president, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck and Michael Savage, broadcast every weekday on KQMS, FOX News and hundreds of right-wing stations, podcasts and websites to their collective audience of millions throughout the country.

Trust me, you can’t tell avid consumers of this media anything negative about Trump. “The truth is non-negotiable,” KQMS advertises proudly. Its daytime hosts take the slogan seriously. Theirs is the only authentic narrative, anything counter to it is fake news.

At any rate, we can debate Deep State conspiracy theories and our failing media later. The point here is Trump and his minions remain focused on Strzok and Page’s affair to a suspicious degree, like horny frat boys fighting over the only Playboy.

According to Page, who’s attempting to salvage her marriage in the wake of the highly publicized affair, the unwanted attention has made her personal life a living hell. In an article last week in “The Daily Beast”, Page said Trump’s “demeaning fake orgasm” was “the straw that broke the camel’s back” causing her to speak out for the first time.

“What demeaning fake orgasm?” I wondered when I first read her claim. I don’t follow Trump rallies and hadn’t heard about the incident. The very idea of Trump faking an orgasm, let alone someone else’s, was repulsive and not something I wanted to see, yet I knew there had to be video and that I had to see it.

Later, at Mom and Dad’s house, I caught the video on CNN; Erin Burnett made sure to tease the potentially grotesque segment the whole show, leaving it for last.

It was as confounding, mortifying and juvenile as I expected. You may watch it here courtesy of The Young Turks.

The video begins with the President of the United States in mid-rally, complaining about the fake news Washington Post. He nevertheless cites a Post article stating the effort to impeach him had already begun, published 19 minutes after he took the oath of office. Trump was setting the audience up to take them back in time, before the 2016 election.

“Months earlier, Peter Strzok, ‘member he and his lover, Lisa Page! What a group!” Trump snarled lasciviously as his supporters booed the names of the supposed Deep State operatives. Trump paused to draw energy from the crowd then scrunched up his face, squinted his eyes, cracked a smirk like the one his daddy used to smack off his face and launched into an X-rated burlesque routine.

Demonstrating he has more than just a passing familiarity with gender fluidity, Trump slightly raised the pitch of his voice, adjusted his body language and transformed himself into a woman, Lisa Page, apparently on the verge of orgasm, judging by Trump’s wavering moans.

“She’s going to win, ten million to one Peter she’s going to win, I’m telling you Peter she’s going to win. I’m telling you Peter. Oh Peter, I love you so much.”

Snippets of the dialog come from Strzok and Page’s text messages that supported Clinton. Trump clutched and unclutched the podium as he got into the drag act, which almost certainly gave him a figurative moisty. He puffed out his chest and swiveled to the right just like Mussolini used to do as the crowd roared its approval.

“I love you Peter!” Trump sighed one last time, rubbing his big belly against the podium. He then transformed himself into Peter Strzok, who was apparently taking his lover from behind in Trump’s pornographic mind and building to a climax of his own.

“I love you too, Lisa! Lisa, I love you,” Trump panted, slapping the podium as if encouraging his lover to giddy-up. “Lisa, Lisa, oh God I love you Lisa. And if she doesn’t win, Lisa, we got an insurance policy, Lisa! We’ll get that son-of-a-bitch out. We got an insurance policy!”

As the cheers of the crowd reached a crescendo, Trump busted a fictitious nut on “insurance policy,” then breathlessly explained the current effort by House Democrats is part of that very same Deep State conspiracy.

“Oh, my,” Mom said after the CNN segment.

“What the hell did we just watch?!” I shouted, not for the first time regarding the president.

Dad, who has given up commenting on Trump’s continued trampling of norms, just shook his head.

Trump’s “demeaning fake orgasm” stayed in the headlines only a couple of days last week, in part because it’s an incredibly weird and sordid story, but mainly because Trump is a rumbling, bumbling, stumbling wounded beast about to be brought to the ground by the Democratic-led House of Representatives. He’s committing unforced errors every time he opens his mouth or tweets or wields his Sharpie.

But Trump’s lewd verbal assault on Lisa Page won’t be forgotten. It will be added to the long list of legal, political and social norms Trump has transgressed during his presidency, and indeed his entire privileged life. Trump’s character is questionable to say the least, from his shady business dealings, to his porn-star hush-money payments, to his obsession with conspiracy theories, to his involvement in the insane Ukraine caper.

The list goes on and on and on. Now he’s dry humping podiums at rallies like grandma’s chihuahua on your leg during Thanksgiving.

You know what you call an adult male who publicly degrades a woman like that? A misogynist. A boor. A chump. Trump puts the hump in chump. He’s currently the president of the United States.

His hardcore base will either cheer on Big Orange and his sadistic Orgasmotron, ignore it or excuse it as just Trump being Trump. His right-wing evangelical followers claim he’s a modern-day King Cyrus, a sinful messiah who gosh darn it just can’t stop sinning, but it doesn’t matter as long as he outlaws abortions and gays. It remains to be seen how long his supporters can keep up the act.

Meanwhile, here in the reality-based world, more and more people are beginning to see Trump for who he is: the strangest and perhaps most dangerous human being ever to ascend to the executive office. He’s done plenty of things worse than what he did to Lisa Page and Peter Strzok, but that was bad enough to disqualify anyone else but Trump from running for the highest office in the land, let alone executing its massive power.

The fact that such a flawed figure has his finger on the nuclear button should give every American pause.

R.V. Scheide
R.V. Scheide has been a northern California journalist for more than 20 years. He appreciates your comments and story ideas. He can be emailed at RVScheide@anewscafe.com.
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