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Intimate Concerns Advice Column: Evasive Orgasms, Lagging Libidos, Mismatched Sex Drives

Our Bodies, Our Pleasure… Where do we begin?

“I’m a married woman and my husband says I’m broken because I don’t orgasm with just regular sex. You know, penis-in-vagina sex. My girlfriends are no help, and I am worried that I need something fixed. Can you help me please?”

Sincerely, Feeling Broken in the Bedroom

Dear Feeling Broken,

To answer your question simply, “No, you are not broken.” This is very common, and based on research not from just one study, but from a 1comprehensive analysis of 33 studies over the past 80 years, only about 25% of women regularly experience orgasm with PV (penis/vagina) sex alone. Yes, that’s right. Only a quarter of women orgasm this way.

The good news is that our bodies can learn to orgasm in new ways with some fun practice. We can teach areas (such as the vagina) that are not highly orgasmic to be more so by simultaneously stimulating areas that are highly sensitive, such as the clitoris.

Important for everyone to know is that 75% of the women having orgasms, (sadly, not all women have them) require direct clitoral stimulation for this to occur. There are many ways to experience pleasure, and not all will or need to result in orgasm to be enjoyable for both of you. AND, of equal importance to know, it’s not a reflection on him, it’s just our human design.
Keep it fun and keep exploring all your pleasure zones – alone and together. You are his teacher of your pleasure.

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My Wife is No Longer My Lover

“I’m married to a great mom and wife and yet she never wants to have sex. How do I get her to want more sex?

Help please, Frustrated Blue

Dear Blue,

You speak for many men in the world, I’m sorry to say. In order to really help your specific situation, I would need to ask you a lot more questions before I can help find answers. So, I will address this in a more general way.

Keeping sexuality alive and spicy during the years of making and raising babies requires some stealth ninja skills. Women’s bodies go through hell at every level. Understanding this might help you feel less offended by her lack of desire. During these years, your desirability will increase the more involved you are with the day-to-day care taking of the house and kiddos. Watching you rock a baby to sleep or wiping the nose of a snotty toddler might just be the foreplay she needs. Also, she has tiny little people sucking, pulling, demanding every square inch of her being day in and day out– be the one who serves her body instead of demands of it. Learn to give her a massage, draw her a bath, hug and kiss her to sleep. The more you do without the intention of “getting laid” – will more likely get you laid.
Women need to feel safe and loved to desire sex, while men need sex to feel safe and loved. When your children demand 100% of her energy, you can be the hero and create the safe place for her to let go and feel like a woman and a lover, which will turn her brain onto the idea of feeling sexy – and when she feels sexy, it’s a win-win.

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Sex Drive Mismatch

“My husband and I have very different sex drives. He seems the think about it 24/7 and I never think about it. What can we do?”

Respectfully, At Opposite Ends

Dear Opposite Ends,

This is a complex, yet very common quandary couples can experience at some point during their marriage. I’m happy you are seeking solutions and understanding.

If you were in front of me I would ask questions such as if your sex drives were ever in sync? Did this suddenly change? Do you know what the catalyst of change is? How is the rest of your relationship? So, for now, these are some questions for you to ponder.
I often find that this has been an ongoing awareness since day one, but was overlooked, or each assumed the other would come around to their way of being.
The first thing I would suggest is to each write out what your own sexuality means to you, what it represents, what it equals in level of importance, and how you interpret your sexual needs being respected or valued by your partner. If you are not comfortable discussing this alone, find a qualified counselor who can mediate this conversation. Knowing why you each feel the way you do about sex will help build compassionate understanding. This will ease the feeling of either rejection or hounding often described.

Building a healthy designer relationship, based on each person’s needs, requires ongoing conversations and renegotiating so each person can each enjoy their finest life within and because of the relationship.

“Sex is never the issue unless someone is not getting enough – then the entire relationship becomes the issue”.

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Next Conscious Living Sexuality Event!

By popular demand, “Your Yoni & You ~ To Thy Yoni Be True” Encore event.

Tickets ? Feb 7, 2018 For Women Only. Join Dr. Nancy’s mailing list

Note from Dr. Nancy,

I’m in considering creating an event for men, “10 Keys for Men; How to Unlock Your Woman’s Sexual Desire.” Anyone interested? Do I hear an enthusiastic Yes? Let me know!

1: The Case of the Female Orgasm by Elisabeth Lloyd, Harvard University Press. 2005