Last year I suffered a stretch of heart-wrenching family stuff that knocked the mental stuffing out of me. My physical activity screeched to a halt. I avoided social events. I soothed myself with limitless food and drink.
The depression enveloped me like molasses fog, so it took me a while to realize how far I’d fallen. I knew I needed to do something drastic to get my synapses firing again. I told myself I’d try exercise first, and if that didn’t do the trick, I’d turn to antidepressants, which I’d used with good results following both divorces.
I dusted off my tennis shoes and got walking, working up to 5 miles on the river trail, five days a week. And I re-embraced Jazzercise, nearly every day. Meanwhile, though, I ate and drank whatever I wanted, which just made me an increasingly fatter person walking the river trail or doing Jazzercise. The thing is, my dedication to exercise was so extreme that I ended up straining my right foot, something that’s still not returned to normal.
Even so, although that period of exercise did help me feel better mentally, by then, I weighed more than I had before my depths of depression.
That was depressing, too.
It was around October or November when I first noticed enthusiastic Facebook posts by friend Diane Hill about her “amazing” weight loss at a place called Align Private Training. Her post that made me sit up and pay extra attention was when she wrote that she’d lost 30 pounds in something like three months. And she felt great. Oh, and she just returned from a vacation in Cabo and had lost 3 pounds!
It sounded too good to be true. I was skeptical. My brain ticked off my suspicious. Drugs? B-12 shots? Weird packaged foods? Liquid diet?
I asked Diane about Align and learned that none of my suspicions were correct. No shots, no drugs, and she was eating real (but highly controlled) food. She was also exercising at Align Private Training, working out with its founder, Matthew R. Lister.
I would not blame you if you’re sick of hearing about this guy and this place, because sure enough, I’ve turned into Diane.
I, too, am an Align zealot. As if you couldn’t tell.
Matthew Lister makes it look so easy. Photo by Brad Garrison.
Initially, I sought help from Matthew solely for weight loss. I thought my posture was fine (turns out, it wasn’t). I was just there to whittle down my body, as quickly and painlessly as possible. As far as I was concerned my brain would just bump along for the ride, asleep in the back seat. I was sure that if I lost enough weight, I’d be happy, and then my brain would wake up again. That would take care of that.
Thanks for the help. See ya.
But a weird thing happened. First, something clicked in my head the day of my first appointment with Matthew. It was that now-or-never concept I’ve talked about before, suggested by a friend and life coach.
That Big Click followed a tipped balance of such a critical mass that I had to do something. I was turning 60 in July. I was heavier than I’d ever been, even full-term pregnant (no small feat, since I gained a lot of weight while pregnant). Most of all, I was feeling supremely shitty about myself. I’d lopped off my dyed hair and the gray was growing in. My feet hurt and I was getting arthritis in my index fingers. It was looking all downhill from here. I was unhappy.
Can you see the look? Please, for the love of God, do not take my picture.
I’m no stranger to that magical “something clicked in my brain” phenomena. It’s happened at other crucial times when I’ve teetered with my toes at the edge of a life-cliff of a major decision. Each time, I was petrified, but certain. Every time, I closed my eyes, stepped off, and the momentum carried me the rest of the way down. To eventual safety. Every. time.
That click in the brain – maybe my gut, too – has never failed me.
Return to college. Apply for that job. File for divorce. Start a business. Dump that cheater. Buy that house.
Create a healthy body.
That’s where I am now: creating a healthy body. I’m shocked by a few things that have happened since I started this program with Matthew Lister on Dec. 10.
Doni works out at Align Private Training with Matthew Lister. Photo by Brad Garrison.
One of the most dramatic changes has been my eating. It took about a month off sugar crack before I quit feeling like my former food-vampire self, haunting the kitchen late at night in search of sugar and carbs. I remember my first meeting with Matthew, when he asked what I ate before bedtime, and I confessed: Oh, things like ice cream, cereal, popcorn with butter, toast and jam, cookies and milk. He wrote it all down. He didn’t bat an eye.
Now I actually look forward to my bedtime snack of cottage cheese and nuts. I seriously cannot imagine eating a hunk of bread with butter, or a piece of pie or cake, or a bowl of ice cream, or a big bowl of pasta. I can imagine a bite (and I’ve done that), but not an entire serving of anything that’s not on my healthy food plan. My new nutrition reality absolutely blows my mind. I hardly recognize my new way of thinking and eating.
Foremost, aside from the weight and inches lost (which I’ll share below), is this: I have never felt better mentally. Sure, I’ve been much younger, and I’ve been way cuter, and I’ve been far smaller; but I’ve never felt more emotionally grounded, or more clear-headed.
Last week on Facebook I posted a photo of me taken at an event I catered Friday. You can even see one of my earrings in motion, because I was laughing and moving down the table, as I told my sister, “Hey! Take my picture!”
I can assure you those are rare words to emerge from my lips.
“Hey, take my picture!” Words not spoken by Doni before now.
I received a lot of positive comments on Facebook when I posted that photo. As pleased as I felt in that photo, as delighted as I was to fit into that dress I’ve not worn in years, I also felt embarrassed by the compliments. However, this one line resonated with me: You look confident and radiant.
Damn. That’s it! That’s exactly how I feel.
Matthew says that part of the reason I look confident is that my posture has improved. OK, I’ll buy that. And perhaps I look radiant because, for one of the the first times in my life, I’m not sleep-deprived. And I’m not eating sugar, grains or any processed foods. And I’m drinking 60 ounces of water a day. Dang, who wouldn’t look radiant?
But there’s more. My uplifted mental state has had other pleasant repercussions, such as this is the first time I’ve truly made myself a priority, without feeling guilty and selfish, whether it’s sleep, healthy food, or workouts. They’re mandatory, not optional.
I find that more and more, I say no when I mean no and yes when I mean yes. I find myself taking less crap from perpetually problem people (much to their surprise/displeasure). I feel like an idea machine that’s firing on all cylinders, to the point where I’m making lists so I can collect every drop of inspiration.
After decades of saying that playing the cello was on my bucket list, I actually took action and got a cello. I’ve had two lessons, and although it’s far more difficult than I thought, I remind myself that’s exactly what I thought about losing weight and getting fit, and I’m doing that.
Did I ever think I could hold a plank position for 60 seconds? No. Did I ever think I could do 100 consecutive crunches? No way. But I’m doing them.
I cannot quite figure out where all this happiness, energy, drive and clarity comes from. Is it from the rush of endorphins produced with super-strenuous exercise? Is it from the elation that follows my current loss of 13 pounds and about 10 inches? Is it the joy I feel to fit into smaller clothes? Is it from the realization that my body can do far more than I’d ever imagined, and I’ve not even fully tested myself yet?
I don’t know. But I’ll happily take it all. For the first time in a long time, I’m happy in my own skin.
How about you?
