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Reflections in a Mirror (While Shaving): Part 35

While having lunch with three friends, we invented a new (to us) game… “Conversation Starters That Stop Conversations.” We listed 50 or so but the one that stuck with me was, “I’m only telling you this as a friend…” No! You’re not. Stop. This is going to be embarrassing, intimate and unsolicited. A true friend would never open with that line. Yuck!

When we roll off the assembly line we should be equipped with 24 “overs.” Say something stupid, use an over. Do something stupid, shell out another. The reason for 24 is that most of us will use the first 20 within two months of starting to date.

There’s something so relaxing about playing catch. Old gloves. New baseballs. The repetitive motions of catching and throwing seem to loosen the mind and activate the jaw muscles.

Why is it so hard to get moving this morning? The knees are screaming at the butt. The shoulder has disconnected from the rest of the body. The mind can’t quite grasp the danger of a razor moving aimlessly about the nose.

There’s just a little resentment that the Red Sox have won two World Series in the last four years. That was a huge amount of perfectly good angst no longer usable.

When did lawyers become so disrespected? Was there a specific incident? A series of incidents? Shakespeare’s often quoted line from Henry VI, “The first thing we do, kill all the lawyers,” has become a symbol of contempt for the profession. Some argue (mostly lawyers) the line was meant as praise because eliminating the lawyers would open the country up to revolution and tyranny. After reading the passage carefully, I’m inclined to believe Shakespeare may have, in fact, been making one of the first lawyer jokes.

A retired friend went on vacation… from what? I think I’m just kidding but she was a little slow on the answer.

I usually nick my chin and right ear lobe area but the one that drives me nuts is the lower lip. Always in a hurry. Always say don’t do it. Bleeds for several days. Trying to curb the bleeding by sucking on my lip makes me look… well, unusual.

I hate exercising. I hate exercising. I hate every single minute. I have The Stomach That Came to Dinner and won’t leave. I’ve been told the options are exercise (see above), less drinking and smaller portions. I may as well give Mr. Middle a name because we’re going to be pals.

My back is finally showing signs of life this morning but most other parts are hanging back to see what the day holds. Smart parts. I’m with them.

If there really was a big bang, what was before that? Look, something had to exist to big-bang with… quit it. This is what makes my friends shake their heads and avoid eye contact.

Some people are such good dancers, they make my ears swell with jealousy. I was just finishing dinner at a resort in Utah when the nearby band started playing a little rock for a birthday party. A young man in his 20s arrived wearing hiking boots, a plaid shirt and Levi’s. He was so good, all the other dancers stopped to watch. The pretty lead singer insisted he dance with her. I met him briefly and he seemed humble and respectful. My ears were so huge I could have been a stand-in for Bugs Bunny.

One more piece of tissue to cover the cut by my nose and I’m good to go.

Editor’s note: This a best-of column that was originally published August 12, 2008.

Doug Mudford is a lawyer and partner at Barr & Mudford, with an emphasis on serious personal injury. He may be reached at Barr & Mudford, 1824 Court St., Redding, (530) 243-8008.

Doug Mudford

is a lawyer and partner at Barr & Mudford, with an emphasis on serious personal injury. He may be reached at Barr & Mudford, 1824 Court St., Redding, (530) 243-8008, or doug@ca-lawyer.com.

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