Dude Wisdom: Time to Grow Up?

Editor's note: If you appreciate posts like this and want ANC to continue publishing similar content, become a paid subscriber for as little as $1.35 a month.

Hello and hello! Great weather a couple days this week, but the mystic prophets at the weather stations are calling for … wait for it … ANOTHER ROUND OF SNOW! Who knew? Sidebar: for those of you who don’t already have tickets for Jonny Lang’s benefit performance today, I suggest you get your tickets … if there are any left. But I digress.

Dear Dude,
I can’t get my boyfriend to stop playing video games. We’ve been dating like six months and when we first started going out he seemed more mature. But now … just video games and hanging out with his friends all the time. Is he ever gonna stop or do I need to smash his xbox?!?!
-Fed Up

I’ve got some good news for you, Fed Up. You are not alone. Far from it, in fact. I don’t know if you happened to catch my Facebook post the other day, but it is an article that addresses exactly what you’re talking about. And if you look, there seems to be a micro-generation of primarily male twenty-somethings who have taken that decade as a means for passive interest and disconnect from a productive adulthood. I’ll assume you’ve specifically addressed this issue with him, and I’ll further assume he’s taken it of no consequence, hence your query. So it comes time to ask yourself what are the good things about your relationship. Do you spend enough time together? Go out enough? Is it worth your time? Further, after you’ve answered those questions, you need to ask yourself if you have things you do for enjoyment that he might not enjoy. Here’s the thing: We all have to put up with distractions of our significant others. Question is, does his fascination with video games detract from and complicate your relationship enough to outweigh the positives? To sacrifice, or not to sacrifice …

I’m indecisive. Well, maybe not so much, but kind of. I’m in my mid-30s, have a job, own a house, got a car … all things in this day and age seem to be a total BONUS for the opposite sex! I finalized my divorce about 6 months ago, but we separated well before that. Anyhow, I’ve been dating for at least that long, and I’ve met some really great girls. Problem is I don’t want to date just one of them. I’m finding myself attracted to younger girls … 18-21 or so, which is weird ’cause I’ve never been into that. Is this the beginning of a midlife crisis? What gives?
-Lone Ranger

I have a feeling you’ve been accepting advice from friends or family. One of them probably mentioned the concept of a midlife crisis because your behavior of late, which is inconsistent with your previous demeanor, isn’t holding up to their expectations. And that’s fine — what good are friends if they can’t be honest? But look a little closer —  your marriage just ended. A commitment you likely thought would be lifelong, well, wasn’t. So now you’re looking for younger girls, because they don’t offer the commitment/drama/challenges of somebody who your friends imagine you with. To get through your transition, you’re going for the easy choice. Once again, that in and of itself isn’t a bad thing. But don’t get so hyped on the attention that you misread your feelings.

I’m trying to determine my role here. Okay, so my friend told me he wants to date my ex. We broke up like 6 months ago but that’s not the big deal. I found out through another friend that he’s already been sleeping with my ex. Am I wrong or is he an a**hole?

This sounds bad. Initially, readers will probably be all for chanting “Down with (insert your friend’s name here)!” And you still might feel that way. But The Dude believes there is a less visible layer here. Relationships are rarely planned. Most people say “it just seemed to happen,” or some such. It sounds like your friend and your ex just happened. Depending on the timeline between your breakup and their courting (if so it should be called), he didn’t tell you for fear you would be angry or oppose their seeing each other. Bro Code usually calls for a minimum of three months’ separation before friends can gain entree into the Forbidden Garden. Still, if you value your friendship, you should have a talk with this guy. Ask him directly if he’s been seeing your ex. If he responds in the negative, let him know what you know. If in the affirmative, then at least he’s being honest with you. We’re a strange breed, us guys. We do stupid things. But put the situation in perspective: If you were in his position, what would you do? What would you expect him to say? Ask yourself that question and I bet you find the answer.

Dude Wisdom is a column written by a guy from town. This column aims to flip the traditional advice column on its head, spin it around a few times, then knock it over with a roundhouse kick. Find The Dude on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/DudeWise or email your relationship quandaries to dudewisdom@gmail.com. Remember, this Dude abides.

A News Cafe, founded in Shasta County by Redding, CA journalist Doni Greenberg, is the place for people craving local Northern California news, commentary, food, arts and entertainment. Views and opinions expressed here are not necessarily those of anewscafe.com.

is a guy from town. His column aims to flip the traditional love advice column on its head, spin it around a few times, then knock it over with a roundhouse kick. Find him on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/DudeWise or email your relationship quandaries to dudewisdom@gmail.com. Remember, this dude abides.
Comment Policy: We welcome your comments, with some caveats: Please keep your comments positive and civilized. If your comment is critical, please make it constructive. If your comment is rude, we will delete it. If you are constantly negative or a general pest, troll, or hater, we will ban you from the site forever. The definition of terms is left solely up to us. Comments are disabled on articles older than 90 days. Thank you. Carry on.

3 Responses

  1. Avatar gamerjohn says:

    Regarding the video game addict, loojk at my name, I love video games. It is something that connects me to my kids and it is fun. My wife hates the waiting for saving games and the complete focus on the screen during the games. But when I was dating my wife, I did not indulge in computer games (yeah, I'm old) except at a friend's house (whose wife hated them). My advice is keep the time down and stop it when promised or you will be sleeping alone.

    Regarding the guy attracted to young women, that was the age when it looks like he met his ex-wife, so that is the age when he felt comfortable. I predict that once he dates a few young ladies, he will discover that he has nothing in common with them. I dated young while in my late 20's and it was boring. The girls were lively and cute, but hadn't finished college yet, hadn't experienced anything yet, and were not that fun to talk to.

    Regarding the ex and the friend, I dated a room mate's ex after he got married and I still didn't tell him about it. In fact it has been 25 years and we are all married and I have never told him, although we had a falling out over some money I loaned him 5 years ago. You always feel possessive over exes. Even some girls who get passed around like a joint at a Grateful Dead concert.

  2. Avatar Budd Hodges says:

    Hey Dude…texting or playing games while someone who loves you is hungry for your attention is just plain rude and dumb. Let them go off and play with themselves and you find someone who is more attentive and interested in you.

    Cell phones, game boys, xboxes and I phones have hypnoticed and dumbed down a large segment of our population. Please try to get help.

  3. Avatar Joanne Lobeski SNyde says:

    What a great article. The information missing in the first question if whether the gamer has a job, maintains a residence and takes care of business. If the answer is no to all of these, than he may be addicted to his games. Not a pretty picture, but not uncommon.