A Dating Guru for the Guys: Dude Wisdom

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This one goes out to the guys. An advice column for men, by a man – a man, astonishing though it may be, who has screwed up a lot of relationships. Good ones gone bad. Bad ones gone worse. A guy who stuck in relationships with big flashing warning lights that made mountains crumble and hope dissipate. I’ve searched for love, only to find myself alone on a Saturday night, weeping.

I’ve let good ones go, and held emotional time bombs tight in my grasp. The explosions start small, so you can get used to them. As the detonations come, each increasing in strength and scope, you build an immunity to them. After a while it’s soothing to hear those explosions, and that sucks.

For a while, I could talk easily to girls … as friends. But the transition into something, well, more than friends was too often convoluted with awkward sexual innuendos and pick-up lines that would make even the most noble nun burst into laughter. For a while I considered not getting slapped across the face a victory.

Then came the poor excuses for relationships. I always felt I would be a good boyfriend, but for fear that such a classification would put to rest the very situation I enjoyed, I refrained from terming it as such. Looking back, it’s easy to see why girls considered me “unfit for love,” or so I was told, not just once. Of the many things we consider love to be, perhaps the most telling is that love is powerful. To submit to somebody on whom you place a greater importance than yourself, to surrender your secrets most intimate makes you vulnerable. And I figured it better to be noncommittal than vulnerable. It’s scary to be vulnerable, scarier than clowns.

But I’ve recently found happiness in somebody. It was just my time, I suppose. I’m ready for it, and it’s working. I am a successful boyfriend. So, yay for me. Anyhow, some might not consider me to be the most qualified person (is anybody, really?) to dish out advice to others, but I’m the one with the keyboard and a badass mustache, so just back off.

Anticipating there will be topics discussed, the likes of which I might not be intimately familiar, I’ve assembled a team of trusted advisers – The Dude’s Panel, as it will come to be known. Together, we will represent many facets tipping the male relationship scale: Married, single, divorced, unintentionally abstinent, sexually indiscreet … the few things I haven’t experienced, these men have, and are ready to offer you advice from somebody who has been there.

While the costume is fun, The Dude is real, and my advice to you is what I wish I’d received in similar situations. No topic will be off limits, but let’s keep it (semi) classy.

Please, share your questions at dudewisdom@gmail.com. Your questions and responses can be seen at www.anewscafe.com.

P.S., the name of this column is in no way a reference to the notable character of the cult classic “The Big Lebowski,” even though that movie rocks.

thedude

Dude Wisdom is a column written by a guy from town. This column aims to flip the traditional love advice column on its head, spin it around a few times, then knock it over with a roundhouse kick. Email your relationship quandaries to dudewisdom@gmail.com. Remember, this dude abides.

A News Cafe, founded in Shasta County by Redding, CA journalist Doni Greenberg, is the place for people craving local Northern California news, commentary, food, arts and entertainment.

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is a guy from town. His column aims to flip the traditional love advice column on its head, spin it around a few times, then knock it over with a roundhouse kick. Find him on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/DudeWise or email your relationship quandaries to dudewisdom@gmail.com. Remember, this dude abides.
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35 Responses

  1. Avatar Elenny says:

    This seems silly. I guess "The Dude" is trying to be funny, but he's not.

    Nancy Sutton's "S-E-X" column is unnecessary as well. The Internet provides a plethora of information on these topics, and written by real experts.

    In my humble opinion, A News Cafe is losing its compass by trying to compete where it can't. Keep it local and keep it clean Doni. Leave the sensationalism to the news rag in town.

    • Avatar gamerjohn says:

      Don't read them if you don't want. Nobody is paying you to be here against your will. Since my post was quickly deleted by the staff, I can confirm that they are not trying to be funny since humor was not tolerated.

    • Avatar The Dude says:

      Thanks for stopping in, Elenny. And you're right…there is plenty of information from "experts" blasted all over the internet. If you, or any of the readers, are looking for a clinical diagnosis or professional therapy, then this certainly isn't the place for you.

      My approach is pretty much the opposite. I don't need to cite academic studies to tell you how a lady should be treated. I'm just here to offer my peers some advice that I wish I'd been given.

      The columns you dislike are written by locals and are kept clean. We value our readers and appreciate your opinions. I think our readers and supporters are excited that A News Cafe has its compass tightly in its grasp, and judging from the response in emails and positive feedback site-wide, it seems we are steady on course in the right direction.

  2. Barbara Rice Barbara Rice says:

    I think this will be interesting… like a funnier version of the "Jake" column in Glamour Magazine.

  3. Doni Greenberg Doni Greenberg says:

    Thanks for your comment, Elenny. That's the beauty of anewscafe.com; it's a banquet that serves up a wide variety of content, and readers are free to pick and choose whatever interests them.

    Maybe it's the Dude's mustache that's throwing you. If it helps, I know the "Dude" and can attest that he's a bright , kind, talented and thoughtful guy who has a lot to say about relationships, and he has a team of more experienced dudes to help him with subjects about which he's unfamiliar. I really related to the part of his column where he said, "… my advice to you is what I wish I’d received in similar situations." Amen to that. I hear you, Dude.

    Personally, I did think he was funny. I also thought he successfully presented his introductory column with an artful mix of humor and seriousness ("Of the many things we consider love to be, perhaps the most telling is that love is powerful. To submit to somebody on whom you place a greater importance than yourself, to surrender your secrets most intimate makes you vulnerable….")

    Regarding the sex column, those who know me best also know I've been searching for a sex columnist for anewscafe.com since this site was born. Nancy Sutton-Pierce is that person. In just two columns, she has shown herself to be not just a good writer, but fearless in taking on topics that many would consider taboo. She has personally replied to the comments in a way that's not defensive, but inclusive and open and accepting.

    I've often wondered what it is about the subject of sex that it's very mention makes us so uncomfortable. In some ways, sex is everywhere, but at the same time, it's treated like a dark secret. I hope Nancy's column will help answer that question.

    Rest assured, A News Cafe has not lost its compass, rather, we continue to broaden our content and welcome interesting topics written by interesting, local people. The Dude and Nancy are vital, contributing, respected members of the Redding community. I am proud to know them and have their work appear on this website.

    Please know that we don't publish these columns to be sensational. If we wanted to be sensational we'd report on bloody car crashes and dig up juicy dirt on prominent people in the community. Ick. No, thank you.

    The topics of relationships and sex are core human subjects, and if any place could handle these subjects with grace, dignity and class, it's anewscafe.com. At least that's our goal. I trust that if readers feel otherwise, they'll let us know. And as always, we'll listen. After all, this is your site, too.

    I do have one request: Please read these columnists, and give them a chance. You may be pleasantly surprised. 🙂

    Either way, thank you so much for taking the time to read anewscafe.com and weigh in with your thoughts. You're much appreciated.

    p.s. Nancy will be my guest on anewscafe.com's weekly radio show, Sunday Brunch with Doni & Friends on KCNR 1460 from 11 a.m. to noon. This would be a good time for readers to call and speak with Nancy and discuss their thoughts about the sex column. Likewise, The Dude will be on the radio show soon, too. Stay tuned.

  4. Avatar james says:

    Well, said Doni.

    I agree, I am so thankful for people like the dude wisdom, Nancy and yourself. I am getting very tired of the big secrets and the things people do not like to discuss. I mean I can understand ones sex life can be private, and I am not one to go around talking about mine, but my personal beliefs and my political opinions I should have a right to express, OH WAIT, most people in Redding do not want to talk about those either, DARN, DARN, DARN!

    Anyway, cheers to NEWSCAFE and the many new discussions ahead.

    • Doni Greenberg Doni Greenberg says:

      James, you and I can sit down soon and talk about a topic that's near and dear to your heart, one you're entrusting with anewscafe.com, where the majority of readers are compassionate, open-minded and enlightened. Such a nice place to be. 🙂

    • Avatar gamerjohn says:

      People might want to discuss those topics, but the staff would not allow it since it might offend someone. Like the old play, "No sex. please, we're English" locally it is "No sex, we're Republicans"

      Personally I would like a local column like SF Gate's Mark Morford who loves the hypocrites in office and the pulpit.

    • Avatar The Dude says:

      Thanks, James. I'm always up for a good discussion. I look forward to hearing from you soon!

  5. Nancy Sutton Pierce Nancy Sutton Pierce says:

    DUDE! I love your intro! You had me laughing and tearing up at the same time. Women are going to flock to your column because we want to know what men think, feel and need. We have learned one thing for sure; that it's not easy for you to tell us any of those things face to face (trust, vulnerability etc). So I'm delighted we now have you to show us the way from a man's perspective! YEAH to YOU!

    Doni, I love you. What you just wrote let me and the rest of the world know you are behind every decision you make and every columnist for A News Cafe 150%! I am so honored to be a new member of this brilliant team!

    Elleny: I deeply appreciate your comment, no doubt you speaks for others too. I hope you do keep reading and realize this is real-life-human stuff we are talking about. The Dude and I are experts on one thing – Living as human beings. We are not pretending to fix anything or anyone… we are bravely opening up the dialogue to subjects that have been put under wraps for no good reason and when left there, a lot of festering damage results.

    So thank you Dude and I look forward to meeting you and maybe doing some collaborative work… He Said – She Said stuff. Could get interesting?
    Muah,
    Nancy

  6. Avatar gamerjohn says:

    Personally I think he should play up the angle that real men don't talk for directions, help or advice, but if one asked in a brief moment of weakness, here is what he would do.

    Judging by my wife's single friends, the local dating scene is horrible for women and a paradise for men. The internet singles site feature countless photos of the same guy: bearded, trucker cap, flannel shirt, with the same hobbies of NASCAR, hunting, fishing. They are looking for a good ole gal with the work ethic of the pre glass slipper Cinderella and a bigger boat. They want photos of the boat.

    In the bars, a dozen women are flocking to the same two guys who have decent hygiene, a steady job, and no felony arrests (or is it convictions?).

    • Avatar The Dude says:

      I think you're onto something here. There is a prevailing belief that "real men" shouldn't talk about their problems. And that's fine. I think a lot of guys don't discuss their situations because their friends will give them a hard time. That's why this is pretty informal. I'm not here to discuss daddy issues or pat you on the head and tell you everything's gonna work out.

      But if you do have a question you don't feel comfortable talking to your friends about, ask me. I have scoured the dating scene, here and many other places. And I'd be happy to discuss if your friends email me about it.

      And thanks for posting. I enjoy dedicated readers!

  7. Avatar Shirin says:

    i loved this! I'm so excited to read about real relationships and real issues! magazines always dramatize everything so much, so it'll be so nice to hear some advice from real people! 🙂

    • Avatar The Dude says:

      Thanks, Shirin! Glad you're enjoying it. Be sure to check back every other Friday for the latest and greatest.

  8. Avatar Nush says:

    definitely likeable. I think it's honest and funny at the same time. The idea of a guy giving real stories and advice about girls/dating is definitely something that is much needed in "guy world". keep the columns coming!

  9. Avatar Ann Webber says:

    Hey Dude!

    Welcome aboard! Look forward to some insight into the male minds and I'll bet there are lots of men that will benefit from some sage advise.

  10. Avatar Budd Hodges says:

    Hey Dude, It sounds to me like interesting reading. Almost all of us have found ourself with the wrong person at one time or the other and look around to correct the situation or vice versa.

    What a FUBAR lifestyle we sometimes find ourself in and don't know, for the life of us, how to get out of it.

    We humans almost always take ourselves, our id, too serious and mess it up everytime. Some keep trying and finally get it right. But it has never been and will never be an exact science.

    Welcome to Doni's Anewscafe. We look forward to your comments.

    • Avatar The Dude says:

      Thank you for the welcome, Budd. I've already gotten a good feeling, and I look forward to an engaging, thoughtful dialog between the readers (you) and myself. I feel like after trading a few stories, we'd get along just fine. Happy reading!

  11. Avatar Canda says:

    I love the idea of Dude Wisdom. We can always get professional opinions if we really want it, but it's more difficult to find a guy who will open up and discuss relationships at a heart level. I look forward to your column, Dude. Your writing seems to come from the heart. Many guys let their brains dictate conversation and decisions in relationships, and are afraid to open their hearts. That's been my experience, anyway. I'm no expert-just a senior dudette. Welcome to anewscafe. I love the new human additions to the site!

    • Avatar The Dude says:

      Canda, I'll be here, every other Friday. I'm with you on opening up and discussing. relationships and sex are discussed only in private for fear that (gasp) somebody might hear us! So I'll open up, as long as readers give me stuff top open up about! Talk to you soon, Canda.

  12. Avatar john says:

    okay DUDE…….here I go…been seeing a marry lady for 15 years. I have move on and from time to time, she will called and leave message for me. Than for months I'll don't hear from her. What is going on? I'd know not right to be a seeing a marry lady. But we have been friends before she got marry. To this day I haven't return her call. Guess this is the only way. Am I right or wrong?

    • Avatar john says:

      dude guy must have weekend off..waiting for my answer.

    • Avatar Sam I Am says:

      John,

      Do yourself and her both the favor of moving on and do not call her back. She needs to deal with her marriage not cling to old boyfriends for emotional validation. This really is a no brainer.

      Oh wait. You said you have been seeing her as "a married lady for 15 years" so I guess the idea of this being a no brainer is gonna be a mystery to you.

      15 years? You're kidding right?

  13. Avatar Adrienne jacoby says:

    Oh, Elenny, lighten up!!!! A little tongue in cheek never hurt anybody!!! I get a feeling that this column will be a "kidding on the squar"e kind of thing . . . . covering some serious info but with humor. The best way to approach life in genera, if you ask mel!!!
    So, O.K., DON'T ask me.

  14. Avatar Justin Iiams says:

    I have a feeling this column will be one that I look forward to with baited breath every other week. This really is a great thing. as a man, I know the best way to get me to open up is to use some humor and then guys will open up a bit. I've blogged about being "The Nice Guy". yeah, sometimes being the nice guy it like being kicked in the balls by a bull. but in the end, it's ALL worth it. I'm now married to a wonderful woman who I love and adore. we both came from pretty crappy relationships but we don't harbor ill will towards those relationships anymore. We actually are appreciative of what we went through because now, we cherish each other that much more because of past relationships.

    Keep up the good work Dude! Welcome to anewscafe!

    Doni, Loving the new columnists! This really is the hidden gem of northern california!

    Justin

  15. Avatar Denise says:

    Silly is good! Rawk awn, Dude. I look forward to your musings.

    Always amazed at people who click n moan!

  16. Avatar Surly says:

    I like what I see and think this is a long-time coming. If we can't have a little humor mixed into some self-reflection things will be pretty dull. I personally think the Dude and anewscafe are on to something.

    In my sphere of friends we have a tendency (when it comes to the ladies) to say: "if I only knew then what I know now I would have totally owned ."

    Here's a chance to make a little fun of ourselves and hopefully some other chap will reap the benefits of the Dude and his panel's fortune and misfortune. I think I could use some pointers as well. This whole generation gap thing is throwin' a new spin on things.

    Surly

  17. Avatar Kim Hanagan says:

    the guys in this town need some help. (the single ones I mean). anything that might help them out would be great. or perhaps something to help us single women understand their baffling behavior. But the key to keeping me coming back is witty, interesting writing. I definitely like the Dude's writing style.

    • Avatar The Dude says:

      Kim, I'm glad you understand the approach I'm taking to this. Some other comments have nudged at the same thing…I want to offer an entertaining column that also functions as a place where seemingly difficult conundrums can be approached through not-yet-considered approaches (which is sometimes as simple as common sense 🙂 ).

  18. Avatar Troy Hawkins says:

    DUDE,
    Welcome to the ANC family. I love that you started off with an explosion of sorts. Keep me laughing and I will show up religiously!

    Love the idea and it takes a smart man to do a column like this. You're da Dude!

  19. Avatar J.D. says:

    Dude!

    I am looking forward to what you and your resident experts come up with. Great idea for ANewsCafe and congragts on your budding relationship!

  20. Avatar ED7 says:

    You were referred by Nancy, who was referred by Phil the cartoonist, who was referred by Radio free OZ… Lost in the web again. I'm glad I wound up here.

    As a southerner transplanted to the midwest I was curious if you Californians were much different from me. I've been west, but never made it past New Mexico.

    I'm looking forward to see how you two upstarts handle things out there. I hope to learn something as I read my way across this vast web we have here. We could all do well from sharing some good ideas and understanding the other side a bit better.

    Have fun and live long and prosper.

    Good luck,

    ED7