• How to succeed in the stock market… whatever I buy… don’t. Bought B/A at $29 per share. Sold at $19. Bought at $17, sold at $13. Bought at $9 (how can that be a bad deal?), sold at $6. Overheard a guy in a bar say B/A at $5 was the bargain of a lifetime. Bought at $5…Sold at $3. Deep, deep sigh. Yeah. Yeah. I heard it’s going up.
• I’m beginning to think the gash on my cheek is a permanent condition.
• Six months ago, my friend Aleta told me she was getting out of the stock market. I was vigorously nodding agreement as I was mulling over a tip I received at the car wash… CitiCorp at $40 a share…it fell to 97 cents. I resisted buying at $40, but just barely. Fortunately the guy who sold me new tires advised against it.
• Tell me again why these people on TV want to make me rich? They’re willing to sell me the secrets they’ve accumulated over a lifetime for only three easy payments of $19.95. I must be a pretty darn nice guy.
• Lunchtime at Stewart Elementary was memorable whenever I sat across from Cappy. He ate his tuna sandwich like nobody else. Holding it in his hands, he would carefully mash the perimeter, then lay it on the table and flatten the middle. He then started at a corner and ate in a circle until it was gone. He just looked so darned satisfied when he had finished.
• I laugh at all jokes but can’t tell one. I get tickled before the punch line and can’t finish. Occasionally when a friend is really down, I’ll Google “bar jokes” and try to memorize something about a duck walking into a bar. Even with rehearsal, I’m terrible but the friend usually laughs at the attempt. Close enough.
• Why do these random thoughts bombard me… especially in the morning? For various physical reasons, I have a hard time sleeping (I blame my mother) and I usually fall asleep not long before the alarm rings. When I get up, all my thoughts are running around yelling “Yippee,” “Yippee.” Putting them in order is a little like stacking Jello.
• Just heard a report from the TV announcer that the mind does not function properly without nine hours of sleep every single night. OK, that explains a lot. I’ll talk it over with my insurance agent.
• Someone I steal thoughts from (a lot), asked her husband why he bought her a new pick-up and he said during 30 years of marriage she had never had a headache. I have a feeling these two will never need to see a marriage counselor.
• I’ve seen a therapist one time… required to help me deal with a surgery. We hated each other instantly. I couldn’t figure out what the hell my relationship with my parents had to do with my stomach surgery and she was sure my hostility was important.
• Things I like about Redding:
- Buildings designed by Les Melburg
- The Sundial Bridge
- The “new” topless downtown
- The Market Street Steakhouse, Jack’s and Nello’s
• There are mornings I’m just too wound up… usually the same mornings I cut my nose, wear the pink and green tie and forget to zip my pants. What’s that zipper thing all about? Is there an equivalent embarrassment for a woman?
• Why do I buy prescription glasses and not use them? This morning I squinted at two different labels and put something in my ear that belonged in my eye. I’m going to resist stating the obvious but just by an ear.
Doug Mudford is a lawyer and partner at Barr & Mudford, with an emphasis on serious personal injury. He may be reached at Barr & Mudford, 1824 Court St., Redding, (530) 243-8008. Send questions for “That Lawyer Guy” to doug@ca-lawyer.com.
