“Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.”  ~ Woody Allen

“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist.” ~ Russell Baker

“The most beautiful things in the universe are the starry heavens above us and the feeling of duty within us.” ~ Native American proverb

“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’, it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” ~ Erma Bombeck

“A woman’s dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view.”
–Sophia Loren

“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.” ~ John Powell

“Act as if it were impossible to fail.” ~ Dorthea Brande

“A man’s soul can be judged by the way he treats his dog.” ~ Charles Doran

“There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld

“The whole purpose of education is to turn mirrors into windows.” Sydney J. Harris

“Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of dying, he sings.” ~ Robert Burns

“In life as in dance: Grace glides on blistered feet.” ~ Alice Abrams

“When you look at a cupcake, you’ve got to smile.” ~ Anne Byrn

“The only thing better than singing is more singing.” ~ Ella Fitzgerald

“A 2-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld

“I had this whole ritual with my mother making the bed with me inside it, so I would be invisible.” ~ Ahmet Zappa

“The secret to a rich life is to have more beginnings than endings.” ~ David Weinbaum

“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?” ~ Author unknown

“It’s easy to make a buck. It’s a lot tougher to make a difference.” ~Tom Brokaw

“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” ~ George Carlin

“A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous opinions than anything else in the world.” ~ Edmond de Goncourt

“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.” ~ Ronald Reagan

“If you think no one cares you’re alive, miss a couple of house payments.” ~ Author unknown

“If it’s the ultimate game, how come they’re playing it again next year?” ~Dallas Cowboy Duane Thomas on Super Bowl VI

“All television is educational television.  The question is:  What is it teaching?”  ~Nicholas Johnson

“I’m thinking about naming my first son Emmy so I can say I’ve got one. I want Emmy, Oscar and Tony — and my daughter Grammy.” ~ Noah Wyle

“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.” ~ Will Rogers

“Jazz is a music made by and for people who have chosen to feel good in spite of conditions.” ~ Johnny Griffin

“My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’ ” ~Paula Poundstone

“The belly rules the mind.” ~Spanish proverb

“Those who can, do. Those who can do more, volunteer.” ~Author unknown

“You were once wild here. Don’t let them tame you.” ~Isadora Duncan

“Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.” ~ Albert Einstein

“Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby.” ~Langston Hughes

“Knock Knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Census!”
“Census who?”
“Census Saturday we don’t have to go to school!”

“Look within!… The secret is inside you.” ~Dajian Huineng

“If you’re not the lead dog, the view never changes.” ~ Anonymous

“The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces.” ~Maureen Murphy

“He spake well who said that graves are the footprints of angels.” ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.” ~ William Blake

“Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be used for a great many things besides walking on snow. For instance, it can be used to carry pancakes from the stove to the breakfast table. Also, it can be…

“Community cannot for long feed on itself; it can only flourish with the coming of others from beyond, their unknown and undiscovered brothers.” ~Howard Thurman

“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.” ~ Susan Heller

“In the childhood memories of every good cook, there’s a large kitchen, a warm stove, a simmering pot and a mom.” ~ Barbara Costikyan

“A cabin with plenty of food is better than a hungry castle.” ~Irish proverb

“Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.” ~ Oscar Wilde

“I feel the earth (!) move (!) under my feet…” ~Carole King

“The nightlife ain’t no good life, but it’s my life.” ~ Willie Nelson

“Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.” ~ Carl Sandburg

“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” ~ Freya Stark

“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” ~ Sarah Brown

“The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.” ~ Paul Valery

“The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul.” ~ G.K. Chesterton

“A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it’s better to be thoroughly sure.” ~ Czech proverb

“I care about our young people, and I wish them great success, because they are our Hope for the Future, and some day, when my generation retires, they will have to pay us trillions of dollars in Social Security.” ~…

“I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.” ~Edward Everett Hale

“That’s my job, to lift people up with great food.” ~ Paul Prudhomme

“The health care overhaul will extend coverage to 30 million people who are uninsured, or, as Walmart calls them, employees.” -Jimmy Fallon

“I heard the bells on Christmas Day; their old familiar carols play, and wild and sweet the word repeat of peace on earth, good-will to men!” - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. “
~ Jay Leno~

“Roses are reddish
Violets are bluish
If it weren’t for Christmas
We’d all be Jewish.”
~ Benny Hill

“Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel across the country from coast to coast without seeing anything.” ~ Charles Kuralt

“But Obama’s birthday is a reminder of why healthcare is so important. As you probably know, due to a lack of healthcare coverage, Obama’s mother was turned away from a number of hospitals and was ultimately forced to give birth…

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.” ~ Shirley Temple

“The best things in life are silly.” ~ Scott Adams

“Performance is your reality. Forget everything else.“ ~ Harold S. Geneen

“By and large, jazz has always been like the kind of a man you wouldn’t want your daughter to associate with.” ~ Duke Ellington

“In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” ~ Albert Camus

“Writing comes more easily if you have something to say.” ~Sholem Asch

“The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.” ~ ~Mark Twain

“All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost.” ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

“He who eats alone chokes alone.” ~ Arab proverb

“Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.” ~ P.J. O’Rourke

“Gardening: Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor’s garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one.” ~ Dave Barry

“If men liked shopping, they’d call it research.”  ~ Cynthia Nelms

“Three things can’t be hidden: love, coughing and poverty.” ~ Jewish Proverb

“The shoulders of a borrower are always a little straighter than those of a beggar.” ~ Morris Leopold Erns

Power is the ability not to have to please. ~ Elizabeth Janeway

“Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.” ~ Hamilton Wright Mabie

“Christmas is at our throats again.” ~ Noel Coward

“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.” ~ Phyllis Diller

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.” ~ John F. Kennedy

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” ~ Jon Stewart

“All I ask is equal freedom. When it is denied, as it always is, I take it anyhow.” ~ H.L. Mencken

“Touch has a memory.” ~ John Keats

“If a private citizen is able to affect public opinion in a constructive way, he doesn’t have to be an elected public servant to perform a public service.” ~ Warren Beatty

“Who does not love beer, wine, women and song remains a fool his whole life long.” ~ Carl Worner

“Experience is by far the best teacher. You know, ever since I was a little girl I knew that if you look both ways when you cross the street, you’ll see a lot more than traffic.” ~ Mae West

…

“Marijuana is like Coors beer. If you could buy the damn stuff at a Georgia filling station, you’d decide you wouldn’t want it.” ~ Billy Carter

“Childhood is measured out by sounds and smells and sights, before the dark hour of reason grows.” ~ John Betjeman

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
~Maya Angelou~

“In war, there are no unwounded soldiers.” ~José Narosky

“All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.” ~ Martin Buber

“I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate.” ~ Lady Nancy Astor

“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.” ~ Jerry Seinfield

“The hardest thing to explain is the glaringly evident which everybody had decided not to see.” ~ Ayn Rand

“Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all.” ~ Harriet van Horne

“There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.” ~ Melanie Griffith

“There are two ways of being creative. One can sing and dance. Or one can create an environment in which singers and dancers flourish.” ~ Warren G. Bennis

“Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.” -Edgar Allan Poe, The Raven

“We need a new spirit of community, a sense that we are all in this together, or the American Dream will continue to wither. Our destiny is bound up with the destiny of every other American.” ~ Bill Clinton

…

“Half the lies they tell about me aren’t true. “
~Yogi Berra~

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” ~ Gandhi

“Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they might have been.” ~  William Hazlitt

“Men who don’t like women with brains don’t like women.”  ~ Mignon McLaughlin

“When one is striding bravely into the future one cannot watch one’s footing.” ~ Elizabeth Peters

“Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature.” ~ Tom Robbins

“All the good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.” ~ Grant Wood

“If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.” ~ Woodrow Wilson

“There is a special place in hell for women who do not help other women.” ~Madeleine K. Albright

“My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.” ~ Woody Allen

“If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?” ~ Art Hoppe.

“Life must be understood backward. But it must be lived forward.” ~ Mary O’Connor

“Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.” ~ Howard Ogden

“Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 valentine cards doused in perfume and signed, ‘Guess Who?’ … She’s a divorce lawyer.” ~ Robert Orben

“Creative minds have always been known to survive any kind of bad training.”  ~Anna Freud

“If you can’t annoy somebody, there is little point in writing.” ~ Kingsley Amis

“When you sing gospel you have a feeling there is a cure for what’s wrong.” ~ Mahalia Jackson

“Where there is music, there is love.” ~ French proverb

“There is no pleasure in having nothing to do. The pleasure is in having lots to do, and not doing it.” ~
John W. Raper

“Men can read maps better than women … only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.” ~ Roseanne Barr

“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’.” ~ Bob Newhart

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? ~ Satchel Paige

“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” - Steve Martin

“The earth delights to feel your bare feet, and the winds long to play with your hair.” ~ Kahlil Gibran

“Only the guy who isn’t rowing has time to rock the boat.” ~ Jean-Paul Sartre

“Have nothing in your homes that you do not know to be useful and believe to be beautiful.” ~ William Morris

Old Advice

“Opportunity dances with those already on the dance floor. ” ~ H. Jackson Brown Jr.

“Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.” ~ Mark Twain

“In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer.” ~ Mark Twain

“Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.” ~ Erma Bombeck

“Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.” ~ Voltaire

“What makes me tick? I don’t know, but the noise is driving me nuts.” ~ Michael Hayward

“Life is a progress, and not a station.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge- myth is more potent than history- dreams are more powerful than facts- hope always triumphs over experience- laughter is the cure for grief- love is stronger than death.”

 ~ Robert Fulghum

…

“I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.” ~ Woody Allen

“It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning … put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

…

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

“It is vain for the coward to flee; death follows close behind; it is only by defying it that the brave escape.” ~ Voltaire

“If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.” ~Doug Larson

“Friends are God’s ways of apologizing for our families.” ~ Anonymous

“An ant on the move does more than a dozing ox.” ~ Lao Tzu

“Stop a moment, cease your work, and look around you.” ~ Thomas Carlyle

“Our lives are like a candle in the wind.” ~ Carl Sandburg

“President Obama held a Q & A session about healthcare reform with senior citizens over the Internet. Unfortunately, the senior citizens spent the entire hour typing questions into their microwave ovens.” ~ Conan O’Brien

“The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone.” ~ Goethe

“Diseases of the soul are more dangerous and more numerous than those of the body.” ~ Cicero

“Is it so small a thing, to have enjoyed the sun?” ~ Matthew Arnold

“Dawn — when men of reason go to bed.” ~ Ambrose Bierce

“Tell me who you love, and I’ll tell you who you are.” ~ Creole proverb

“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” ~ Joe Theismann

“In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said ‘Let there be light’. And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry.” ~ Kevin Krisciunas

“If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.” ~ Winnie the Pooh

“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

“Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.” ~ P. J. O’Rourke

“I always wondered why somebody didn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.” ~ Lily Tomlin

“It takes a variety of people to challenge us, encourage us, promote us and most of all, help us achieve a broader dimenson.”  ~  Glenn Van Ekeren

“When you make your peace with authority, you become authority.”  ~  Jim Morrison

“Did it die with you, or did you have something to say?” ~ Jim Dyar

“Better to be shot out of a cannon than squeezed out of a tube.” ~ Hunter S. Thompson

“We are driven by five genetic needs: survival, love/belonging, power, freedom and fun.” ~ William Glasser

“It is harder to be poor without complaining than to be rich without boasting.” ~ Chinese proverb

“Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn’t admit he’d forgotten the code … he turned himself in.” ~ Rita Rudner

…

“The will to win is important, but the will to prepare is vital.” ~ Joe Paterno

“Life is the movie you see through your own eyes. It makes little difference what’s happening out there. It’s how you take it that counts.” ~ Denis Waitley

“Teamwork is essential — you have someone else to blame.” ~ Anonymous

“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath’. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.” ~ Joan Rivers

“Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.” ~ Fran Lebowitz

“Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.” ~ Ambrose Bierce

“Out of love you can speak with straight fury.”  ~ Eudora Welty

“We would like to live as we once lived, but history will not permit it.” ~ John F. Kennedy

“I believe the key to happiness is someone to love, something to do and something to look forward to.” ~ Elvis Presley

“My wife and I have sex almost every day of the week … Yes, almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday.” ~ Milton Berle

“Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.” ~ Will Rogers

“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” ~ Franklin P. Jones

“Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.” ~ Ronald Reagan

“More wag, less bark,” ~ North state bumper-sticker sighting 

“My imagination functions better when I don’t have to speak to people.” ~ Patricia Highsmith

“Las cosas claras y el chocolate espeso. (Things/Ideas should be clear and chocolate thick.)” - Spanish proverb

“All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

“I am amazed at radio DJs today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.” ~ Jasper Carrott

“Real people are like still water. They are the most level thing in the world.” ~ Sun Tzu

“Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at its testing point.” ~ C.S. Lewis

“Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can’t remember what they are.” ~
Matt Lauer

“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.”  ~ Fran Lebowitz

“Always remember that Dead Freakin’ Last is better than Did Not Finish which is way better than Did Not Start.” ~ Allison

“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.” ~ Peter Ustinov

“If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much space.” ~
Anonymous

“Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale

“You may be a redneck … if your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.” ~ Jeff Foxworthy

“Baseball is a game to be savored, not gulped. There’s time to discuss everything between pitches or between innings.”  ~ Bill Veeck

“The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.” ~ Ralph W. Sockman

“Il faut tourner sa langue sept fois dans sa bouche avant de parler.”
“One must turn the tongue seven times in the mouth before speaking,” (Think before you speak) ~ French proverb

“Life is like an onion. You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.” ~ Carl Sandberg

“A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What one can be, one must be.” ~ Abraham Maslow

“In summer, the song sings itself.”  ~ William Carlos Williams

“You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That’s why I never take baths.” ~ Steven Wright

“If you don’t like change, you’re going to like irrelevance even less.” ~ General Eric Shinseki, Chief of Staff, U. S. Army

“The most important thing that a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” ~Theodore M. Hesburgh

“Enthusiasm is the engine of success.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“One must from time to time attempt things that are beyond one’s capacity.”
~ Auguste Renoir

“Every great advance in natural knowledge has involved the absolute rejection of authority.” ~ Thomas Henry Huxley

“I envy paranoids; they actually feel people are paying attention to them.” ~ Susan Sontag

“My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, ‘You’re tearing up the grass.’ ‘We’re not raising grass,” Dad would reply. ‘We’re raising boys.’ ” ~ Harmon Killebrew

“Sex appeal is fifty percent what you’ve got and fifty percent what people think you’ve got.”

~ Sophia Loren

“The artist is nothing without gift, but gift is nothing without work.” ~ Émile Zola.

“In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.”  ~ Bill Cosby

“You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand.”  ~ Woodrow Wilson

“Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“We can’t all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.” 
~ Will Rogers

“You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand.”   ~ Woodrow Wilson

“All experience is great providing you live through it.  If it kills you, you’ve gone too far.” ~ Alice Neel

“The question is not what you look at but what you see,” ~ Henry David Thoreau

“It is our task — our essential, central, crucial task — to transform ourselves from mere social creatures into community creatures.” ~ M. Scott Peck

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.” ~  Rodney Dangerfield

“When a dog runs at you, whistle for him.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

“In giving rights to others which belong to them, we give rights to ourselves and to our country.” ~ John Fitzgerald Kennedy

“It’s easy to make a buck.  It’s a lot tougher to make a difference.”  ~ Tom Brokaw

“Heroes take journeys, confront dragons and discover the treasure of their true selves.” ~ Carol Lynn Pearson

“Every time you spend money, you’re casting a vote for the kind of world you want.” ~ Anna Lappe

“Longevity conquers scandal every time.” ~ Shelby Foote

“We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?” ~ Jean Cocteau

“The world belongs to the enthusiast who keeps cool.” ~ William McFee

“Your clothes are important. Naked people have absolutely no influence on society.” ~ Mark Twain

“I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.” ~ Woody Allen

“I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” ~ Joan Rivers

“All political parties die at last of swallowing their own lies.” ~ John Arbuthnot

“It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.” ~ Albert Einstein

“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.” ~ Mac McCleary

“I have invented my life by assuming that whatever I did not like would have an opposite, which I would like.”   ~ Coco Channel

“My experience is what I agree to attend to.”  ~William James

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”  ~ Herm Albright

“Don’t tell me where your priorities are. Show me where you spend your money and I’ll tell you what they are.” ~ James W. Frick

“It gets later early this time of year.” ~Steven Pinker

“We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done.” ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“To be persuasive we must be believable; to be believable we must be credible; to be credible we must be truthful.”

Edward R. Murrow

“I don’t have a bank account, because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.” ~ Paula Poundstone

“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” ~ Dorothy Parker

“Justice has nothing to do with what goes on in a courtroom; Justice is what comes out of a courtroom”

Clarence Darrow

“There’s a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices me.” ~  John Erskine, author

“There are no passengers on Spaceship Earth. We are all crew.” ~ Marshall McLuhan, 1964

“If you keep on saying things are going to be bad, you have a good chance of being a prophet.” ~ Isaac Bashevis Singer

“No one has a finer command of language than the person who keeps his mouth shut.” ~ Former House Speaker Sam Rayburn

” ‘Make no little plans.’ - That’s what Daniel Burnham said in Chicago. I believe that about America: Make no little plans. So let’s get to work.” ~ President Barack Obama during his speech about high-speed rail

“The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer.”
~ Paula Poundstone

“Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag.”
~ Jay Leno

…

“Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

“I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’ “ ~Joan Rivers

“The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.”  ~Dave Barry

“Ninety-eight percent of the people who get the magazine say they read the cartoons first - and the other 2 percent are lying.” ~ David Remnick

“Won’t you come into the garden? I would like my roses to see you.” ~ Richard Brinsley Sheridan

“Two things destroy writers: praise and alcohol.” ~ Len Deighton

“If you are the only person who still has a plate full of food, stop talking.” ~ Margaret Shepherd

“Men kick friendship around like a football but it doesn’t seem to break. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.” ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

“Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” ~ Red Buttons

“It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.” ~Max Eastman

“Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it.” ~ Bernard Meltzer

“Arrange whatever pieces come your way.”  ~ Virginia Woolf

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” ~ Lao Tzu

“If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have
to live without you.” ~ Winnie the Pooh

“A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.” ~John Barrymore

“Happy the man who early learns the wide chasm that lies between his wishes and his powers.” - Johann von Goethe

“The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway.” ~Henry Boye

“A careful driver is one who honks his horn when he goes through a red light.” ~ Henry  Morgan

“A great city is not to be confounded with a populous one.” ~ Aristotle

“Life’s under no obligation to give us what we expect.” ~ Margaret Mitchell

“May you always have walls for the winds, a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire, laughter to cheer you, those you love near you and all your heart might desire.” ~ Irish Blessing

“The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it emotionally.” ~ Flannery O’Connor

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” ~ Mark Twain

“As guys grow older, and produce more testosterone, they become less mature.” ~ Dave Barry

“When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say, ‘It’s in the script.’ If he says, ‘But what’s my motivation?, ‘ I say, ‘Your salary.’ ” ~ Alfred Hitchcock

“Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem to be more afraid of life than death.” ~ James F. Byrnes

The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.  ~Elisabeth Foley~

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
Erma Bombeck

“We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children.” ~ Ancient Native Proverb

“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.” ~ Emily Kimbrough

“For things to get better,
You have to get better. For things to change,
You have to change. For things to be different,
You have to do something different.” ~Michael Althsuler

“If you can’t sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying.  It’s the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep.”  ~ Dale Carnegie

“A man too busy to take care of his health is like a mechanic too busy to take care of his tools.” ~ Spanish proverb

“Soul food is our personal passport to the past. It is much more about heritage than it is about hominy.”  ~ Sarah Ban Breathnach

“The art of acting consists of keeping people from coughing.” ~ Ralph Richardson

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.”  ~  Anne Frank

“It’s only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you will realize your true potential.”~ Barack Obama

“I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.” ~ Woody Allen

“He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses much more; He who loses faith, loses all.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

“Our best defense is knowledge.” ~ Tuvoc, Star Trek Voyager

“It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.” ~ Dave Barry

“Living a life is like constructing a building: if you start wrong, and you’ll end up wrong.” ~ Maya Angelou

“One of the sanest, surest, and most generous joys of life comes from being happy over the good fortune of others.” ~ Robert Heinlein

“In water one sees one’s own face, but in wine one beholds the heart of another.” ~ French proverb

“Three Rules of Work: Out of clutter find simplicity; from discord find harmony; in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”
~ Albert Einstein

“The pause is as important as the note.”  ~ Truman Fisher

“If you think an expert’s expensive, wait until you hire an amateur.” ~ Oil-well firefighter Red Adair

“A woman is like a tea bag - you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

“To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong.” ~ Joseph Chilton Pearce

“We have learned that power is a positive force if it is used for positive purposes.” ~ Elizabeth Dole

“A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot’s ribs and demanded, ‘Take me to the canaries’.”
~ Bob Monkhouse

Eating on the Cheap

“The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears.” ~ Bill Vaughn, syndicated Kansas City Star columnist

“Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its pupils.” ~ Hector-Louis Berlioz

“There is nothing quite so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.” ~ Mark Twain

“Never trust anything that bleeds 4 days a month and still lives.” - Espy

“What art offers is space - a certain breathing room for the spirit.”
~ John Updike

“Most of us go to our graves with our music still inside of us.” - Anonymous

“It takes a lot more energy to fail than to succeed, since it takes a lot of concentrated energy to hold on to beliefs that don’t work.” ~ Jerry Gillies

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base. ~Dave Barry

“If youth but knew; if age but could.” ~ Henri Estienne

“Only presidents, editors and people with tapeworm have the right to use the editorial ‘we’.” ~ Mark Twain

“Hope” is the thing with feathers  — That perches in the soul — And sings the tune without the words — And never stops —  at all.”  ~ Emily Dickenson

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character

~Martin Luther King Jr~

…

“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.”
~ P. J. O’Rourke

“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” ~ Buddy Hackett

“The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.”
~ St. Augustine

“Everything about Florence seems to be colored with a mild violet, like diluted wine.” ~ Henry James

“When you are through changing, you are through.”  ~Bruce Barton~

“The artist brings something into the world that didn’t exist before, and he does it without destroying something else.”
~ John Updike

“Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” ~ Mark Twain

“You can’t make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you’re doing is recording it.”
~ Art Buchwald

“The web of our life is of a mingled yarn, good and ill together.” ~ William Shakespeare

“The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.” ~ Paul Valery

“Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.” ~ Anonymous

“Resolutions: They go in one year and out the other.” ~ Anonymous

Good-bye, kind year, we walk no more together, But here in quiet happiness we part. 
~ Sarah Doudney (1841–1926)

“Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend.”

~ Zenna Schaffer

“Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother’s tasted better the day before.” ~ Rita Rudner

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”  ~ Dr. Seuss

“I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!”~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”  ~ Joan Rivers

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, “Toys not included.” ~ Bernard Manning

“Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.” ~ Richard Lewis

“No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn.”
~ Hal Borland

“To travel is to discover that everyone is wrong about other countries.”

~ Aldous Huxley

“Every novel should have a beginning, a muddle and an end.”
~ Peter De Vries

“Ninety-nine percent of failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses.”
~ George Washington Carver

“Good health and good sense are two of life’s greatest blessings.” ~ Publius Syrus (c. 42 B.C.)

“All human beings have three lives: public, private and secret.”
~ Gabriel Garcia Marquez

“Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it.”
~ Henry David Thoreau

“It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.”
~ William Gibbs McAdoo

“Let Wall Street have a nightmare and the whole country has to help them back in bed again.”
~ Will Rogers

“Only enemies speak the truth; friends and lovers lie endlessly, caught in the web of duty.”
~ Stephen King

“Your real boss is the one who walks around under your hat.”
~ Napoleon Hill, American author

“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.”
~ Larry Wilde

“Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.”  ~Berthold Auerbach

What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.

~ Jane Goodall

“We are buried beneath the weight of information, which is being confused with knowledge; quantity is being confused with abundance. and wealth with happiness… We are monkeys with money and guns.”

~ Tom Waits

“The real voyage of discovery consists of not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.” ~ Marcel Proust

“If you count all your assets, you always show a profit.” ~ Robert Quillen

“Resolutions: They go in one year and out the other.” ~ Anonymous

“I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks”
~ Joe E. Lewis, American comic

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. ~ Erma Bombeck

“Blessed are those that can give without remembering and receive without forgetting.”
~ Author Unknown

“What is drama but life with the dull bits cut out.” ~ Alfred Hitchcock

“I love Thanksgiving turkey. It’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.” ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Those to whom we say farewell, are welcomed by others.”

 ~ Author Unknown

“The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

“It’s not the will to win, but the will to prepare to win that makes the difference.” ~ Bear Bryant

“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.”

~Jim Davis~

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” ~ George Burns

“If the other person’s attitude is the problem, maybe mine is the solution.”

~ Anonymous

“Most people don’t recognize opportunity because it shows up in overalls and looks like hard work” ~ Thomas Edison

“In some families, ‘please’ is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was ’sorry’.” ~
Margaret Laurence

“Prejudices are the chains forged by ignorance to keep men apart.”  ~ Countess of Blessington

“We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.”  ~Cynthia Ozick

“The most precious gift God has given to this land is not its riches of soil and forest and land, but the divine dissatisfaction planted deeply in the hearts of the American people.” ~ William Allen White

“Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, ‘Oh, shit! She’s awake!’ ~ Author unknown

“For finding your mother,
There’s one certain test.
You must look for the creature
Who loves you the best.”
~ David Kirk (Little Miss Spider)

“If the firms that employ an increasing majority of the population are driven solely to satisfy the owner’s greed at the expense of working conditions, of the stability of the community, and of the health of the environment, chances are…

“Wit penetrates; humor envelops. Wit is a function of verbal intelligence; humor is imagination operating on good nature.”
~ Peggy Noonan

“There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.” ~ Louis L’Amour

“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.” ~ Robert Frost

“The big thieves hang the little ones.” ~ Czech proverb

“The middle of the road is for yellow lines and dead armadillos.” ~ Jim Hightower

“Never be the first to arrive at a party or the last to go home, and never, never be both.”
~ David Brown

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend.  Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” ~

Groucho Marx

“When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.” ~ P. J. O’Rourke

“We parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.” ~ Dave Barry

“Hard times ain’t quit, and we ain’t quit.” ~ Meridel Le Sueur

“…The moral test of Government is how that Government treats those who are in the dawn of life, the children; those who are in the twilight of life, the elderly; and those who are in the shadows of life, the…

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” ~ Winston Churchill

“One should respect public opinion insofar as is necessary to avoid starvation and keep out of prison, but anything that goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny.” ~ Bertrand Russell

“If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these…

“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” ~ Maureen Dowd

“The cat sat on the mat is not a story. The cat sat on the other cat’s mat is a story.” ~ John LeCarre

“The creative process is a cocktail of instinct, skill, culture and a highly creative feverishness. It is not like a drug; it is a particular state when everything happens very quickly, a mixture of consciousness and unconsciousness, of fear and…

“If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in 5 years there’d be a shortage of sand.”
~ Milton Friedman

land quotes

“Buy land. They ain’t making any more of the stuff.” ~ Will Rogers

“Always be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle.”

Plato

“Sincerity and competence is a strong combination. In politics, it is everything.” ~ Peggy Noonan

“Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.” ~ Scott Adams

“You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.”
~ Yogi Berra

“I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don’t always agree with them.”
~ George Bush

“It is not only what we do,
but also what we do not do,
for which we are accountable.”
~ Moliere

“Youth is like spring, an overpraised season more remarkable for biting winds than genial breezes.  Autumn is the mellower season, and what we lose in flowers we more than gain in fruits.”  ~ Samuel Butler

“Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.” ~ H. G. Wells

“Profit is private; debt is public.” ~ Gretchen Morgenson

“Think occasionally of the suffering of which you spare yourself the sight.” ~Albert Schweitzer

“Do first things first, and second things not at all.” ~ Peter Drucker

“Do not seek the truth, only cease to cherish your opinions.” — Zen proverb

“Listen or your tongue will keep you deaf.” ~ Native American proverb

“Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it’s just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.” ~ David Sedaris

“Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you’re alive it isn’t.”

~ Richard Bach

“My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.” ~ W. C. Fields

“If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.” 
~ Mister Boffo  (American comic strip by Joe Martin)

“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.” ~ Bertrand Russell

“After two days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.” ~ W.C. Fields

“I was 32 when I started cooking; up until then, I just ate.” - Julia Child

Red meat is not bad for you.  Now blue-green meat, that’s bad for you!  ~Tommy Smothers

Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you’re doing, but no one else does. ~ Walter Seward

“Guidelines for Bureaucrats: 1. When in charge, ponder. 2. When in trouble, delegate. 3. When in doubt, mumble.” ~ James H. Borden

“You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.” ~ Yogi Berra

“There is no personal charm so great as the charm of a cheerful temperament.”

- Henry Van Dyke

“There are a lot of lies going around… and half of them are true.” ~ Winston Churchill

If we are not ashamed to think it, we should not be ashamed to say it. ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. ~ Emo Philips

A good meal makes a man feel more charitable toward the world than any sermon. ~ Arthur Pendenys

“Coming together is a beginning, staying together is progress, and working together is success.” ~ Henry Ford

“For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

He who tells the truth must have one foot in the stirrup. - Old Armenian proverb

just do it quote

“Just go out there and do what you’ve got to do.” ~ Martina Navratilova

The ultimate test of a moral society is the kind of world that it leaves to its children.

Carl Jung

The man who can keep a secret may be wise, but he is not half as wise as the man with no secrets to keep.” ~ Edgar Watson Howe

“Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to.”  ~John Ed Pearce

“A politician should have three hats. One for throwing into the ring, one for talking through, and one for pulling rabbits out of if elected.” ~ Carl Sandburg