I have received several* comments and e-mails from readers who expressed doubts about the trustworthiness of the information contained in the feature Philbert’s Phun Phactoids, which immediately precedes this entry.

The author is, quite frankly, hurt. It’s a sad day indeed when the public can’t trust that the information they get from the Internet is anything less than 100% true.

Take, for example, the Phun Phactoid that alerted readers to the news that tree frogs aren’t actually made of wood. Now, which one of you ninnies would insist that this fact is instead an untruth? Anyone who would argue that tree frogs are really made from trees probably still reads the newspaper. How informed can they possibly be?

Do you folks actually believe that I sit here in my lonely little storage closet/office at A News Cafe Dot Com and make this stuff up? Why, that’s practically the same as calling me a fibber! Nobody has called me a fibber since, gosh, when was it? A long time ago. Third grade, I think. That’s a pretty good run. So, let me ask you,  why would I jeopardize this streak by publishing half-cooked info now? I am the Cal Ripkin of Truth, for crying out loud!

OK, I sort of understand. It’s tough with conflicting reports appearing daily in “the media.” I mean, who to believe? Fox News or every other newsgathering agency? It’s a quandary we find ourselves in every day. So, it’s easy to see why you, the Information Receptacle, might be a little skittish. Relax. It’s me. Uncle Philbert. Would I deliberately lie to you? Is it lying if I think it’s true? Of course not. Sit back, relax, let’s try this again. Take off your Skeptik Spex™­ and trust me to tell you, valued reader, nay, valued friend, the whole truth and nothing but the truth… as I understand it. Here we go, Philbert’s Phun Phactoids, Take Two…

The “dressing” you put on a wound is different than the “dressing” you put on a salad. Unless you happen to be wounded at Hidden Valley Ranch by “Buttermilk” The Goring (not the Nazi) Bull.

Humans have 32 teeth. Well, except for President Obama who appears to have more than his fair share, which if we were to regulate the number of teeth allotted we would be guilty of redistributing the wealth, a socialist concept that would surely lead to a public outcry rivaling the infamous Boston Teeth Party of 1776.

Weasels live in trees and subsist on a diet of wooden frogs found therein. Look it up.

Nostril Thomas, The Mad Monk of Iberia was believed to have foretold the future. He was also amazingly adept at guessing the weight of farm women and other livestock, garnering him much acclaim resulting in his sitting on a record 1,478 Judges Panels at Iberian County Fairs, a record that still stands today.

There. Now you’re armed with a few Phun Phacts with which to regale your friends and display your mental superiority. Don’t worry, you’re not being obnoxious, your friends don’t really like you anyway. Stick with your Uncle Philbert, because I care.

Honest.

*Actually, this is not true. I didn’t really receive any comments or e-mails about the feature. I just said I did as a cheesey device to wring laughs from admittedly feeble material. Go ahead, sue me. Heck, I’ll give you two-thirds of my assets right now! Probably get you all the way to the corner. So go for it, Dershowitz. Send your complaints to: donig.anewscafe@gmail.com

You’re welcome.

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