Editor’s note: Steve Brewer’s recent travel schedule did not afford him the time to produce half of the ever-popular feature The Cutting Board, which he co-authors with A News Café cartoonist, Phil Fountain. When Mr. Fountain learned that there would be a brief sabbatical for The Cutting Board he became morose and despondent. You see, we pay him by the word — well, we pay him for more or less every other word, the good ones, which is about his average. So, since only 50% of what he writes counts toward his salary he relies heavily on Mr. Brewer’s 50% to carry him from week to week. With no Brewer, no Cutting Board = no paycheck. In order to maintain his lavish lifestyle and to keep his bookie from breaking his kneecaps, we’ve allowed him to carry on without Mr. Brewer.

Steve:

Phil: That could very well be true, Steve, but I don’t think I would say it out loud, let alone in cyber-print. Then again, you know him better than I do. Now, on to non-fungus related topics: the NFL pre-season is well under way and the big story is convicted animal abuser, Michael Vick, taking snaps with the Philadelphia Eagles. What do you think of Vick returning to the league and do you agree with animal rights activists that the Eagles should match his salary with donations to the local Humane Society?

Steve:

Phil: Gosh, Steve, I never thought of that way. That may be the most insightful analysis I’ve heard on the subject! You know, you’re an interesting guy. You should write more. Like, maybe, 50% more. Oh sure, I know you’re busy, Scrabble in the Pacific Northwest and all, but you owe it to your readers (and co-workers) to share your gift. I know I certainly enjoy hearing what you have to say.

Steve:

Phil: Wow, that’s very kind of you to say, but a Pulitzer for editorial cartoons? I don’t know… but, thanks for the nomination.

Steve:

Phil: Now stop! You’re just embarrassing me! I may look like George Clooney, but I don’t think I could carry your next film the way he would. Well, go ahead and send over the script. I’ll look it over. Let’s talk about somebody, er, something else.

Steve:

Phil: Tuscaloosa.

Steve:

Phil: No, I’m pretty sure it was in Tuscaloosa. Ivory hunting, wasn’t it?

Steve:

Phil: That would explain the rash.

Steve:

Phil: Yes, that’s another (more logical) explanation. Still, don’t rule out the “alien” theory.

Steve:

Phil: Hey! No need to get snippy about it!

Steve:

Phil: Hey! Really! Cool it, man!

Steve:

Phil: Well, #@%& you too! AND the horse you rode in on!

Steve:

Phil: You kiss your mother with that mouth? This is really uncalled for! I’ve never been so insulted in my life!

Steve:

Phil: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. OK, it’s the second-most I’ve ever been insulted in my life.

Steve:

Phil: That’s it! I don’t have to stand for this. I’m finished! As usual, I’ll leave you with the last word.

Steve:

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