(RSS)
When Married Guys Hit on Divorced Women
Dear J,
I’m a recently divorced woman who’s maintained friendships with our dear, lifelong married friends. On two different occasions two of the men/friends made passes at me (unprovoked, unwelcome).
It’s as if when I was married to my ex/their friend I was off limits, but now that I’m single I’m fair game, even though I’m still good friends with their wives.
I was so stunned and hurt I didn’t say anything. What’s going on here? What can I do to make sure this doesn’t happen again? What should I do if it does happen again?
The old expression “forewarned is forearmed” comes to mind. I’m thinking that perhaps the divorce process is not complete, and needs to include the husbands of your friends as well. The simple, practical answer is to maintain friendships with the wives and avoid situations that involve the husbands. (No, I don’t think you need to inform the wives).
Is it fair to say that this behavior is an acceptable norm with this group? Perhaps you did not realize it before? If you are newly single, you have a wonderful opportunity to establish new rules for yourself, new standards, and new friends as well.
You owe it to yourself to create friendships that adhere to your standards of behavior now. It may mean periods of solitude while you decide what you want in your new life. Begin pursuing interests that were previously neglected, think in terms of what you always dreamed of doing, having, being and (unless it was being a married man’s mistress) your vision will lead you in fresh and inspiring directions.
“Dear J” is a north state advice column that offers insight about every aspect of life. We invite readers to weigh in with suggestions, feedback and answers to the questions, below. Send your “Dear J” questions in care of anewscafe@gmail.com. (We will maintain strict confidentiality.)
564 views
The older I get, the more I can see the value in some of the old ways (think Jane Austen era!) like the custom that young and/or single women should not be alone in the company of men. (In this day of sexual freedom among consenting adults, I might add “unless a liaison is mutually desired,” but only to avoid appearing prudish.) So much less room for inappropriate or misinterpreted behavior.
There are some men who, intentionally or otherwise, misread friendliness, kindness, even any conversation beyond hello as a come-on. On the other hand, there are also some women who, intentionally or otherwise, send out signals of availability through provocative dress, flirtatious body language, or absence of boundaries, especially while recovering from the ego-battering experience of a divorce. (As in the classic example of inviting best friend’s husband over to do some guy-chore and greeting him wearing Daisy Maes and a halter top.)
As to how to make sure this doesn’t happen again? First, double check our own demeanor to eliminate any hints of flirtation. Second, while I don’t think avoiding all situations with the husbands is necessary, just make sure the primary relationship is with the wife and NEVER spend time alone with the husband. (As much as I love all my girlfriends, I would find it quite peculiar if any of them, newly divorced or otherwise, was hanging out alone with my husband.)
What to do if it does? How about, “I can’t believe you said/did that. Jane is my friend. If you ever do anything remotely like that again, I will have to tell her what a slime ball you are.” That should do it.
Reply
First be sure you aren’t sending out mixed messages. I had a “friend” who according to her ALL the hubbys were coming on to her ,and she didn’t knw why. I knew…because of the way she acted around my husband so of course we saw less and less of her. These friendships should be too important to feed the ego. When my husband died I bent over backward for this not to happen to me, and it got around that I was a prude…SO BE IT.
Reply