My campoon for Redding City Council, despite a massive wave of public indifference, has sadly crashed on history’s harsh rocks and splintered into a million disconnected pixels on your computer’s monitor. I now concede that the “official” candidates who filed some sort of papers with the County Clerk probably got more votes than I did.

I say “probably” because we’re not exactly sure how many votes were cast for the Imaginary People’s Party candidate in this election. Because of a couple of technicalities, write-in votes have yet to be tabulated. It seems these votes will be officially counted as “other.” I was going to change my name to Other just to make things interesting, but then I’d have to get a new coffee punch card with my new name on it and, frankly (that’s a nice name), I’m only four punches from my free coffee and I ain’t jacking that up just to be on the city council. Like I said, I’m not insane.

Once again though, we “others” votes went uncounted as if they didn’t count, because they didn’t… get counted, that is, so they really didn’t count. Just because we’re intangible it doesn’t mean we aren’t real. If you bleed us, are we not pricks? Well, I say we are!

What happened to “One Organism, One Vote”?!? Is this the United States of America or what? Do you need PAPERS to be counted? Like Pomeranians? I’m not from Pomerania and I say those who demand you have “papers” are nothing more than terrierists. People in Redding don’t even LIKE papers! Ask the Record Searchlight (ouch! that was a burn wasn’t it?).

Let me just say this to all the inconsequential out there, yes, you… even if you voted telepathically only to see your vote go uncounted, don’t despair. I will continue to carry your mantle until we reach the promised fireplace in the foyer of destiny! I will be your voice! I will be your candidate! I WILL RUN AGAIN (for an office yet to be determined, but State Senate is lookin’ pretty sweet) — I will run like the nose on a snowboarder until the so-called “Realies” sit up and take notice! I will carry on because I AM NOT INSANE!!!

Thank you.

You may help Philbert determine his future by suggesting which office he should set his sights for in 2010. Please leave your suggestions in the “Comments” section.