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Club me — I must be dreaming
“I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
What am I doing here? No, really?
What were the tasteful and erudite folks at Food for Thought thinking when they gave me a button on their shiny new website? I’m not sure, but I’d be willing to wager prolonged inhalation of the “crops” burning in our nearby forests has impaired their judgment a bit. OK, maybe it’s been impaired a lot.
I don’t know if I fit here among the well-mannered and civilized people who frequent FFT. I’m the kind of guy that puts Tabasco on his pancakes. I’m not exactly renowned for my couth, either. I’m not even sure what “couth” is, but I don’t think I have much. I’m pretty sure the only “suave” I have is the shampoo and conditioner “all-in-one” in the shower. I have enough of that stuff to last me for at least the next 20 years (go ahead, insert bald joke here). My sophistication level resides somewhere between Kraft macaroni & cheese and an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants. If FFT is a kind of cyber-village, I guess I’ve been hired to be its cyber-idiot. Don’t worry, I can handle it. Actually, it’s an area where I may be able to excel. A niche is a niche.
Despite the obvious miscalculation by FFT in allowing me to play on their little acre of cyberspace, here I am. And, what, dear reader, does that mean to you? For one thing, it means you won’t wear out your mouse clicking on my mug shot, thus saving you untold amounts of money, time and the inconvenience of worn-out mouses, or mice, or whatever. Think of that as my first contribution to the enrichment of your FFT experience, and by extension, your life.
You’re welcome.
But, in my defense, I see myself as something like a saucy plate of escargot or perhaps a bit like dining on a Chinese blowfish whose gills are still flapping — I’m an “acquired taste.” My type of humor should be uncorked by the reader and allowed to breathe. The subtle stench is part of the overall experience. Intoxicating? Not if you read it in a well-ventilated room (a practice heartily endorsed by FFT and its lawyers).
The discerning reader will be rewarded with my keen insights, rollicking jocularity (I have an ointment for that, if you’d like) and a vast array of “fart jokes.” I may throw in the occasional obvious observation on life or pop culture, but mostly, look for the fart jokes. I know it’s not much, but it’s what I do.
Hopefully, over time, some of Doni, Kelly and Jim’s sense of propriety will rub off on me. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll contribute some stuff that won’t make your latté and scones come up into your esophagus when you read it (that’s what you classy folk eat for breakfast, right? Lattés and scones? I’m a Fruity Pebbles and Ovaltine kinda guy, but it’s our differences that make us unique… and different, right?) It’s quite possible that if I hang around long enough I’ll be visited by the Couth Fairy and may even take to wearing an ascot. You never know.
But, if nothing else, I managed to sneak the word “fart” onto Doni’s website. So far, so good.
Phil Fountain is an artist, graphic designer, writer and miscreant based in Redding, California. He is accepting commissions and has been known to work for trinkets or shiny objects. You may reach him at pfountain@sbcglobal.net or through his blog philbertosophy.wordpress.com.
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Good to find you here, Phil. Don’t go developing any bad habits like “couthness” or a “sense of propriety.” We’re counting on you for the earthy element. And I have a teenage boys who might think their mother is cool if she brings some fart jokes to the dinner table.
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Phil, I think I’ve already acquired a taste for your humor. You had me at fart jokes! Welcome, and congratulations!
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Phil! Welcome to the fastest growing Web site in northern California! Keep up the good (or bad) words, everyone needs less couthness!
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Phil…I knew you’d join these couth ladies of journalism and Jim and Steve. What a team! Soon , you’ll be having tea and crumpets with all of them and please tell them fart jokes because they will love them! Keep us laughing in the spirit of Alfred E Neuman and J. Fred Muggs.
————————–> Budd
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Welcome aboard matey. What price we pay to stand our ground? Congratulations!
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Dear Phil,
I hope your true self will come out once again (we have missed the twisted, demented, absurd, slightly rancid sense of humor in the RSL. I thought maybe they neutered you. Certainly the kind of thing I have seen you draw lately is kind of lame compared to your genius in the years past.) I hope your true self will once again be in its’ full glory. Fart jokes and all (with all the beer that the North State drinks,there has to be fair amount of those.)
Are you going to have the caption contest again or is that RSL property? Your drawings were fantasic yet hard to come up with something as funny as your drawings were.
It will be interesting to see how you all grow from here.
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Well here I am chasing Phil The Red Handed from blog to blog.I am a little winded but soon I’ll catch my breath.Please don’t tell Doni or Kelly I’m here since I was once a small thorn in their sides.Actually a gnat was larger in their minds I’m sure.
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Heh heh…fart.
I really enjoyed your article Phil, I’m looking forward to what you’ve got to say in the future.
Did you know that the plural form of computer mouse is mices?
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I don’t know Phil are we really welcome here? I ‘ve been exploring the web site and a feeling of unease is creeping into my sub conscious where I seem to spend too much of my time lately.Will Yux and Scabby be welcomed with open arms or held at arm’s length in disgust.Will Flomax have to check his spelling and take English 101 again?The book club over at the Retching Jackel pub are very concerned.
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Tom, my good man, fear thee not! I’ve been assured that Yux, Scabby, Hortense, Firefly, Doc Gristle and all the lower dwelling minions we know will have a home on Food For Thought. Apparently the purveyors of this website have no concern for the damage to their reputation and economic health that allowing folks like you and me to congregate here will have. Tough noogies, I say. If they aren’t bright enough to block my ISP then let the Devil have them! Right?
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You rascal, you! Seeing you here, maybe I will get off my duff and finish some gardening articles!
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